Over a year I ago I stopped writing this blog for a few different reasons. For one, I didn’t know what Yoga was anymore, so, like the guy in Enlighten Up, I was left more puzzled (and bemused) the harder I searched for a tangible answer. There was a lot of heated discussion about “true” Yoga going on at this time in the wider yoga blogging community in which I found myself lost—how could I participate when I didn’t even know which ground I stood on? Before all this I had toyed with the idea of taking Yoga teacher training and received mostly positive reinforcement, a few others responded more negatively without addressing my questions directly by bemoaning the current state of Yoga and the rate in which yoga teachers are being created. NOT ONE asked me why I wanted to take the training. In the confusion of mixed messages, heated debates, and the complex history of the practice, I could no longer hear my own voice—I wouldn’t have been able to answer the question as to why I wanted to be a yoga teacher anyway. I had a lot of doubt. I am not alone.
So I simply dropped out. Stop blogging there, stopped commenting, stopped going to classes (couldn’t afford to go anyway), and studying. I still practiced at home, alone, and read other spiritual books, but focused more on everyday life. Being of contemplative nature, Yoga (or something like it) managed to infuse my daily living and saw me through layoffs, relationship struggles, and more.
Things are returning to “normal,” and while I’ll always have moments (lots of them) of doubt regarding my practice and why I’ve returned to it over and over again these last 14 years, I think I might be ready for the next part of my “path”—not sure in what way that will take shape, but community needs to be part of it. It's perfectly acceptable to not have all the answers firmly planted in my mind.
This post was prompted by my recent return to my yoga teacher for a few remaining classes before she moves out of the province and the film, Enlighten Up.
I've been a doubting yoga all along...and continue to be after my teacher training. Then, I've always thought yoga was the perfect path for the doubter--since, even if it turns out to be all a lot of mystical hooey, there are undeniable physical benefits, so at least you're not wasting time completely.
ReplyDeleteThat's one way of looking at it! There are undeniable personal benefits that I gain from a continuing practice . . . I may not be able to explain it, but it's there.
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